$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I lost the right to judge tonight
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
