U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize