I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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