you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
