Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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