cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
