I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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