Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
