I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
