I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
