well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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