I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
