I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
