His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
