the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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