I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
