Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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