can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
