I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
