apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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