I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
