I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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