sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
