I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
