I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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