They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize