I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
