When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
