Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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