I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
