I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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