I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I know her cup size but not her name....
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