I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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