I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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