so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Randomize
