Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
how does that bad decision feel?
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