I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
