he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
