This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
