At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
