I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
then he tried to convert me to islam
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
