so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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