tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
