It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
