i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
