TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize