I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
