I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
