i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
