Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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