I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
