I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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