I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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