Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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