She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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