I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
