Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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