You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize