The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
