I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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