I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
