you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
