I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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