The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
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