Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
