Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
