Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
