My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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