we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
