She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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