Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
