the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
