I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize